I don’t want to be smart or wise here, I would just like to share what I learned.
From my childhood - I’ve always felt I was kind of different from the ones that were around me. Not really worse and definitely not better. Just different. I wrapped myself into this single thought, lived my life that was still somehow lonely and bleak…
They told me a person has two mirrors - one from the mother, one from the father. Both is important for different reasons. Those two mirrors are the basics of how you see yourself. Now, my mirror from my father hasn’t been in my hands since I was 4. Mom’s mirror is mostly there but it has tiny cracks in some places.
I told everyone how I hate myself, how ugly I think I am. Why? Because my mirrors are fucked up. I don’t care whose fault it is anymore, it’s just the way it is. If I look left I can see nothing but fog and dust and if I look right I only see a sad girl with the features of a monster trying to fit in so bad but never truly can.
What I thought about life, people and myself back then? I didn’t ask to be born. It’s all their fault. I want to die, I want them to feel the pain I feel. I deserve the pain tho. I want to be loved but don’t ever touch me and say it’ll be all right. I hate you but I need you to feel pretty for a second. I hurt myself but don’t pretend you care. Why would you? I’ll do anything for you to accept me but I won’t even believe a word you say. I’m a monster but I am still better than them! Who the fuck am I? Why me? I’m tired.
This was one day.
I confessed this to my therapist and added ‘I’ve been feeling like I’m just before the moment the dentist calls me in to start the procedure I’m scared of so much but something always comes in the way and he never calls me in and I just wait and wait with a knot in my stomach and cold sweat on my face. I’ve been feeling like this since I was 13.’
She said ‘why would you wait for him to call you in? You could go and knock on his door instead.’
It was that moment when my strong tower built of self-hatred started to totter. And I was like ‘woah, slow down, I am never sure of anything but being able to hate myself, I am at least good at this one thing, don’t take it away from me, what am I gonna do without it?’
I was naked, I thought. They took away my comfortable and warm clothes and I didn’t realize at the very beginning that those clothes were suffocating me since the day I chose putting them on. But I found safety in wearing them anyway. It sounds weird and foolish but many people I met in the clinic thought the same.
(to be continued)